Big News, small package

So, I know I haven't really been blogging much lately, but it isn't because there is nothing going on, quite the opposite in fact, there is a tremendous thing going on. Life changing events are unfolding. I am not quite sure how to deal with it, some days I am so full of joy and other days I am full of dread and then, inevitably guilt. It's a weighty issue. There are so many different levels of emotion involved, and I am just trying to work through them all. Even though I have done this four times already, this time I am thrown for a loop. This time is different.
I was hoping that before I sat down to blog on the subject I would have some clarity, I would be able to tap away at my keyboard and be articulate and eloquent about the situation I face. I have come to the realization that that might not happen for a long time, and that writing about it may be the only way for me to gain the clarity I so desire.

I AM PREGNANT. About 9 weeks. Due May 20th.

To quote First Son - "What the Heck!"

The thing is, I am a planner. I am always planning the next event even before they've played The Last Dance. If I don't have a plan I can't function. I need to know what I am doing now, and then after that, and after that. I carry my calendar with me everywhere so that I can make plans. This was not planned. Hubby and I have been pretty sure, no I'd say even more than pretty sure that we would someday want to have another child. What we didn't have however was a plan to do this now.

I did have a plan. I had plans to adjust to having three kids for a while. I had plans to adjust to having a kindergartner, getting used to PTA meetings and school bus dramas, and homework. I had planned a trip to Ireland at the end of May for my cousin's wedding. I planned on enjoying a sailboat/wine cruise around Manhattan and actually enjoying the wine. I had planned on having boundless energy this fall and completing lots of household projects. I had planned on having my body to myself for some time. I was pregnant for more than a year, minus one month in between my miscarriage and Paddy boy. My last pregnancy was tough because I had pregnancy induced bronchial asthma and gall bladder issues. I was planning to just be a Mom to the three little children who need me! I was not planning to do this now!

There's a lot of irony involved in this pregnancy. In the past (and definitely in the future) whenever anybody would ask me about my plans for future children I would always answer that it isn't really up to us, it's up to God. My reasoning for this response is because I am so acutely aware of the unfairness of maternity. Who gets to be a Mom easily and who has to suffer the indignities of infertility treatments or blighted pregnancies? Why are there so many good loving couples who would give anything to be able to welcome a sweet child into their arms and hearts struggling while there are teenage girls and drug addicts dumping their newborns into dumpsters?? This is not a question I can answer, and I won't try. I give it all to God because surely it rests in His hands only. And so, the irony is that my response has now become so true in my own experience. This pregnancy was not really up to me, it was God's doing.

Well, I am of course accepting of this child. I love this child already. I have seen the heartbeat. This child is part of me. I have a deep faith. I know that everything is going to be okay. I am going to be okay. My heart is full. My brain is full. I will find joy, and I will find hope. I will be writing much, much more on this subject. Now that the gate is open the flood waters will flow. Check back frequently, and say a prayer for me.