It begins today

I don't really do diets. I abhor diet food. I do not consume fake sugar. I would love to be a health food freak, or even a vegetarian, except that I can't. I love a good rib eye washed down with a 2 lb over loaded baked potato followed by a hot fudge sundae way too much.

One of the reasons I refuse to "diet" is because I do not want to set an example for my children, especially my daughter who at 5 already gets a lot of attention based purely on her looks, that what you look like is all that important. I always tell them that pretty comes from the inside. I am so careful not to complain about my fat self around them. I remember once having a play date with one of First Son's then 3 yr old girl friends, and she proclaimed to me that "only skinny girls can wear bikinis". Certainly a 3 yr old did not come up with that one on her own. I want to set an example for my children of having a good body image, even though they will never, ever see me in a bikini. Ever.

I make sure that my children have a pretty healthy diet. Cheerios are just about the only cereal I ever buy (plain cheerios, not even honey nut) - with the exception of birthdays and vacations when they can choose any sugar cereal they want to. We eat whole wheat bread almost exclusively. At 6 1/2 I still water down First Son's juice. Skim milk is the only beverage approved for dinnertime. Dessert is limited to 2 specific days a week and is often fruit based. I try to keep fresh fruit around, and occasionally cut up vegetables for an after school snack. Of course, at parties just about anything goes, chips, cookies even a soda for the big kids. It is okay to indulge once in a while.

The thing is, I don' set a very good example for my kids really. I talk the talk, but I do NOT walk the walk. I drink soda and other sugary sweet beverages right in front of them almost daily, while I tell them that they can't have them because they aren't healthy. I sneak candy and other sweets. I gorge on ginormous bowls of ice cream. On family movie nights, I pop two bags of popcorn. One for them to share and one for me to pig out on.

A few months ago I started doing Weight Watchers online. I have had success with WW meetings in the past, but I just can't fit another meeting into my schedule. I was doing pretty well, lost about 10 pounds and I definitely saw my tummy slimming and physically I was feeling really good. My goal was to lose about 20 lbs before Dexter's party. Well, we had a party for my MIL, for which I made lots of yummy treats. I let myself indulge. That week when I weighed in I gained about two pounds. That was it. I was so discouraged I threw in the towel.

Since then there have been several times when I have said okay, "tomorrow is the day". Something always comes up though, and I continue my bad habits. This past weekend we had Dexter's party, and boy did reality hit me. I picked up a cute little outfit for myself (without trying it on - I never try clothes on) and when I got it on, I looked like a three tier cake. (not ace of cakes cake - sloppy mud pie cake) There were bulges on top of bulges. I refuse, refuse, refuse to buy a bigger size.
I do not look healthy, I do not have healthy habits, or a good body image, and I am not setting a good example for my kids.
So, that's it. It begins today. I must get myself back on the wagon, so to speak. No more excuses. It doesn't matter what parties are coming up - I am a social person, there is always a party. I can't put it off anymore. I need to take care of myself, for the sake of my children, I need to be healthier. So, from today it's water or skim milk to drink. One cup of tea in the morning with just 1 tbsp of sugar, measured. Cheerios for breakfast within an hour of waking, and air popped popcorn only. The trays and bowls of mayonnaise laden deliciousness in my fridge leftover from the party will have to take up residence on someone else's hips via someone else's lips. I am having a salad.
Please, don't wish me luck, wish me willpower!