There's another thing that happens when I am having a bad day. (such as today) I start missing my husband with a terrible ache. I imagine a patient who has lost a limb in some terrible trauma waking from a coma to find that their life, their very selves are irrevocably changed. The arm is gone, they scream, they cry, they get angry, they grieve. After a while they accept, a prosthesis is created, a strap on, semblance of what used to be. Skills are re-learned and eventually life goes on. They learn to live this new one armed existence, but, each morning when they first awaken- reality stings. They expect their arm to be there, reaching to shut the blaring alarm, but nothing it seems is where it is supposed to be.
I want to call my husband, text him, e-mail him. I want to say:
I love you.
I am sorry.
So sorry.
Please come home. Please let's fix this.
Please, I love you.
I want to wrap my arms around him, I want to burrow my head in his chest. I want to feel his lips on mine. I want to wake up with two arms, damn it!
Today is a cold rainy day. It reminds me of a day we shared thirteen years ago when we were young, in love and relatively unencumbered by responsibility. We were in college. Separate colleges, but mine was on the way to his and so he would drive me. On this particular morning we got ready for school and climbed into his cold ugly gold mazda pick-up truck and headed on our way. Well, we only got to the first exit on the parkway before we decided that it would be a much better idea to turn around and go back home to cuddle under the covers - just skip school altogether and spend the day instead wrapped in the warmth of each other's arms. That was the day that a family tradition was born..the "shnuggle". An early morning, still under the covers, warm and cuddly hug that lasts half a day or more. Our children love to shnuggle.
Today is a day like that. Only, I have woken up once again to find that my arm is missing. I must start the process all over.
I have said it all. I have begged. I have pleaded, I have bargained. I have said I love you through tears, and with calm, steely resolve. I am gifted with words, and I have used them. Every combination I can think of. I keep thinking that there must be some way to get through to him. If I could just figure out the riddle, unlock the code. Sometimes I get discouraged. I feel like I have tried everything, and I am exhausted. Emotionally exhausted. Physically exhausted. Bent. Broken.
It is frustrating, but the truth is that there is nothing I can say. He has to want to be here, and right now he doesn't.
I love you. I miss you. I want to make things right. I want to fix our family. Please. Come home. It is a cold, rainy day. Let's go back to bed
11 comments:
Well I'm sending you a hug, though I know it's not the same.
I must say though I got a little scared when I saw the title of your post. I am not really sure a prostetic arm is called that...I know is called that and for a minute...but ok maybe that would make you laugh a little...xo
I know the strap on thing is kinda funny:) Umm I really don't know what to say that seems enough.. I wish I could take some of the pain away from you, but life doesn't work that way. I applaud your honesty and I appreciate your wisdom at such a young age.
Growing up, I remember how strong I always thought you were- you always had it together, and well, each post I read demonstrates you haven't changed. I wish you some comfort and hope that he realizes what a treasure he lost. . .
Tricia,
Please know that I am praying for you. You are a strong and faithful woman, and you will come out of this blessed and full of grace. Wait on the Lord, he will deliver .... Mother Teresa once said "I know that God will not give me anything I can not handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much." She also said, "God doesn't require us to succeed, only that we try." Keep trying, and you will find His will for you and your family. Again, I am praying for you. I send a hug to all.
Your cousin in St. Louis,
Mary
I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I'm sending a hug your way. Stay strong, in the end, it will all be okay!
You are in my thoughts and prayers so often. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and rest assured that there is a plan, even when we can't see it.
hello from sits...even though this was kind of a sad first read, i think you are a great writer!
I'm here though SITS Saturday thingy.
I appreciate how you poured your heart out in this post, so raw and moving. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Really. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. (((HUGS))) I've been there...eventually I ended up walking away. It just hurt so much. But there are relationships who have simply gone through tough periods and come out the other end. The tough part is being in this limbo state where you don't know what's going to happen.
Precious girl..I'm so sorry for what you're going through..
I'd like to get hold of that husband of yours and slap him silly...gosh I'm sorry..did I say that out loud?? Cheez, must be the Mama bear in me rearing her ugly head.(delete my comment if it makes you uncomfortable. I have a problem with saying what I think)
Praying blessings down on you today.. oh and Happy SITS Saturday.
So sad. I hope things get better. I found you on SITS and I added myself as a follower
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