A Mom doesn't ever get a day off, and she certainly doesn't get any sick time, which unfortunately, is not to say that she doesn't get sick.
Yesterday, First son was home in honor of MLK, Jr. After a lengthy discussion about whether or not the esteemed civil rights leader was indeed a member of a royal family, we decided to embark on some important errands which are most easily accomplished with First Son home from school. Namely, a haircut, lunch with my niece (a teacher, and therefore also off from work), and a trip to the eyeglass store to mend the twisted arm of the famed spectacles.
About a half an hour before we were set to leave the house I was hit by a wave of acute melancholy. This feeling came over me, and I suddenly didn't want to go out. I didn't want to meet my niece for lunch, I didn't want to do anything but crawl into my bed, pull the covers up over my head and maybe...cry. I thought the sudden onset a bit strange but otherwise I figured it was a touch of depression, something which I simply cannot submit to, but which occasionally rears its ugly head. I decided to ignore the feeling as best as I could, and so I laced up my sneakers, made sure all of the cherubs had warm hats and mittens and we headed out the door.
Sitting in the barber shop watching as First Son lost most of his overgrown locks to a #3, #4 buzz combination, I felt myself sighing heavily. Curly girl was talking to me, being as charming as ever, and I had to make a gargantuan effort to stay focused and involved. I was zoning out big time.
My niece and I decided to head to Panera Bread for lunch, since it is a favorite, and conveniently located at the mall, the site of my final eyeglass errand. We sat at the table with scrumptious soups and salads and amazing chewy breads before us - and I just couldn't bring myself to eat any of it. I forced a few bites, but I just wasn't interested. This was strange for sure, because as I said, Panera is a favorite, and lack of appetite never seems to be a symptom of my moodiness. Nevertheless, I asked for my food to be packed up "to go". I mentioned to my niece that I didn't feel good, but I couldn't explain anymore than that. I just didn't feel right. I mean, my head didn't hurt, my throat wasn't sore, I wasn't nauseated or crampy, I just felt this overwhelming need to go home and get in bed. I decided to give in this one time, forgo the eyeglass store, and just head home. Boy am I glad I did.
We were just a few blocks from the mall when I needed to pull over to the side of the road and...get sick. That makes it sound a lot more neat and compartmentalized than the reality was, but I won't go into gory details. We all have our own data bank of personal experience with the stomach flu on which we can draw to fill in whatever colorful aspects of this story I might leave out. Suffice it to say that it was gross, and painful, and not a little bit scary for the three small people seated behind me. (Well, two of them anyway, Paddy boy was oblivious to what was happening, as he was entertaining himself by pulling his hat down over his eyes and laughing hysterically). At one point it became quite frightening as I took my foot off of the brake pedal for a moment only to realize that I had never had the chance to put the car into park, luckily I found the brake again, just before we crashed into a tree.
Curly girl announced that as soon as we got home I was to go straight to bed and let her take care of me. She then wondered aloud about exactly who was going to drive us home, as clearly I was in no condition and her feet don't quite reach the pedals. First Son helped out by locating the roll of paper towels that I always keep in my car for emergencies. Thankfully, I pulled myself together and was able to get us all home safely. I got Paddy boy into his crib and turned on a movie (Thank God for Baby Neptune) while the other two played nicely in the boys' room. I called hubby and begged him to come home from work and then I crawled into my bed and vowed to stay there. That lasted until about 1 AM, when Paddy boy started puking...followed by First Son at 5:30AM. Hubby has since spent almost the entire day either on the porcelain throne or passed out on the couch. Curly girl? Well, someone's got to take care of the rest of us.
All in all I am thankful that it was just a stomach virus. As much as it sucks to be taken down by a bout of violent vomit, there is a definite end, you know it won't, it can't, go on forever. Depression is much more daunting, and I have had enough of it. If you've never had the pleasure of experiencing a serious case of the blues, now you can imagine...it's kind of like the feeling you get right before you puke.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
The weather here this morning was not so great, kind of like a monsoon. A good morning for sleeping in. Curly and I spent a good long while in the most delicious snuggle. We were wrapped up in down covers, entwined in a full body double hug. We laid there for quite a while just enjoying each other's company. I said to my Curly girl "do you know what I am?" She shook her head yes, so I said "what?" She answered "A genius!" I laughed and pulled her close as she went on, "a genius, and so pretty". I was going to say I was the luckiest Mommy in the world...
Monday, January 7, 2008
A big deep sigh....
Thank you so much to all of my friends who either commented, e-mailed or called with words of encouragement. Thank you to those of you who thought happy thoughts and said silent prayers, you are very much appreciated today. Ok, so I am definitely more at peace now than I was yesterday. I have had my sonogram, I have seen my baby, and I had a lengthy chat with a smart doctor. I feel much better.
I am glad I took that class in statistics in college, cause we sure talked a lot of numbers today. For the record, my brain doesn't work in numbers, it works much better in words, but I managed to comprehend pretty well without engineer boy (a.k.a. Hubby) having to explain much. I credit this to all of the "words" that I have been reading on this subject lately. Here's the deal:
Nobody can tell me with absolute certainty that my baby does not have Downs Syndrome. They can't tell you that yours doesn't either. The tests that I have had are only screenings, and calculate nothing more than "risk" or probability. So, the earliest test, the "ultrascreen" said that my risk was even lower than average for my age, about 1 in 600. The second test, the AFP test said that my risk was much higher than average for my age, about 1 in 250. They did a third "analysis" called an "integrated analysis" which looks closely at the results of both tests and produces a third number, this time 1 in 800. This third test however is not so much scientific as it is statistic, and it hasn't been around long enough to be sure of its validity. Ok...so what next? Today's sonogram showed no additional markers for Down's Syndrome, or any other abnormality. Again, not a definite, but a probably. Most importantly, the baby's heart looked like it is developing normally. Often children with Down's Syndrome suffer from heart problems.
My concern with having a child with Down's Syndrome, well, my biggest concern anyway, would be making sure that any special medical needs could be easily met in the hospital where I deliver. This is the one thing that would make me consider an amniocentesis, because my usual hospital does not have a high level Neo-natal intensive care unit. The closest one can come to a sure answer about Down's Syndrome is to have an amniocentesis where they use a needle to extract some genetic information. However, this is a test which carries a 1 in 200 risk of miscarriage. This test can tell you if your child does have Down's Syndrome, with about 98% accuracy. Since the overall "statistics" show me at low risk, and the sonogram shows no signs of developmental issues, I am comfortable proceeding without the risky amnio and delivering as planned.
I would also just like to state that I love NSUH. It is far. It is really inconvenient, but it is so worth it. I have had sonograms done in other facilities, and it just doesn't compare. I take into account the fact that my friend works there as a sono tech, but even beyond that, even if I didn't know anyone there, I would still make the 37 mile trek, pay for parking, and deal with all of the "north shore" types and their Mercedes' and BMWs. There are many reasons I like NSUH, the comfy "beds" that I lie on while having the procedure, the big screen monitor positioned on the wall for me to see, so I don't have to crane my neck trying to look where the tech is looking, but most importantly to me, is the access to doctors! The sono techs are friendly (you'd think that would be a given, but trust me, it isn't) and clearly know what they are doing. They take their time and answer your questions, but then, when they are finished, you get to see a real doctor. The place where I used to go to have sonograms done never gave any indication that there was even a doctor present, much less willing to come in the room and talk to you! Today my doctor came in, spent almost as much time with the sono-wand in her hand as the tech did, and answered all of my questions, never once acted like I was just a dumb patient who should take her word as Gospel, and absolutely helped to set my mind at ease.
When all was said and done, and hubby and I were alone in the room, I sighed a big sigh of relief, and I even shed a few tears. The stress of this situation had built up over the last few days and weeks, and it was such a relief to be able to just let it all go. Thank you God. Of course, only time will tell for sure, but I am okay with that.
I am glad I took that class in statistics in college, cause we sure talked a lot of numbers today. For the record, my brain doesn't work in numbers, it works much better in words, but I managed to comprehend pretty well without engineer boy (a.k.a. Hubby) having to explain much. I credit this to all of the "words" that I have been reading on this subject lately. Here's the deal:
Nobody can tell me with absolute certainty that my baby does not have Downs Syndrome. They can't tell you that yours doesn't either. The tests that I have had are only screenings, and calculate nothing more than "risk" or probability. So, the earliest test, the "ultrascreen" said that my risk was even lower than average for my age, about 1 in 600. The second test, the AFP test said that my risk was much higher than average for my age, about 1 in 250. They did a third "analysis" called an "integrated analysis" which looks closely at the results of both tests and produces a third number, this time 1 in 800. This third test however is not so much scientific as it is statistic, and it hasn't been around long enough to be sure of its validity. Ok...so what next? Today's sonogram showed no additional markers for Down's Syndrome, or any other abnormality. Again, not a definite, but a probably. Most importantly, the baby's heart looked like it is developing normally. Often children with Down's Syndrome suffer from heart problems.
My concern with having a child with Down's Syndrome, well, my biggest concern anyway, would be making sure that any special medical needs could be easily met in the hospital where I deliver. This is the one thing that would make me consider an amniocentesis, because my usual hospital does not have a high level Neo-natal intensive care unit. The closest one can come to a sure answer about Down's Syndrome is to have an amniocentesis where they use a needle to extract some genetic information. However, this is a test which carries a 1 in 200 risk of miscarriage. This test can tell you if your child does have Down's Syndrome, with about 98% accuracy. Since the overall "statistics" show me at low risk, and the sonogram shows no signs of developmental issues, I am comfortable proceeding without the risky amnio and delivering as planned.
I would also just like to state that I love NSUH. It is far. It is really inconvenient, but it is so worth it. I have had sonograms done in other facilities, and it just doesn't compare. I take into account the fact that my friend works there as a sono tech, but even beyond that, even if I didn't know anyone there, I would still make the 37 mile trek, pay for parking, and deal with all of the "north shore" types and their Mercedes' and BMWs. There are many reasons I like NSUH, the comfy "beds" that I lie on while having the procedure, the big screen monitor positioned on the wall for me to see, so I don't have to crane my neck trying to look where the tech is looking, but most importantly to me, is the access to doctors! The sono techs are friendly (you'd think that would be a given, but trust me, it isn't) and clearly know what they are doing. They take their time and answer your questions, but then, when they are finished, you get to see a real doctor. The place where I used to go to have sonograms done never gave any indication that there was even a doctor present, much less willing to come in the room and talk to you! Today my doctor came in, spent almost as much time with the sono-wand in her hand as the tech did, and answered all of my questions, never once acted like I was just a dumb patient who should take her word as Gospel, and absolutely helped to set my mind at ease.
When all was said and done, and hubby and I were alone in the room, I sighed a big sigh of relief, and I even shed a few tears. The stress of this situation had built up over the last few days and weeks, and it was such a relief to be able to just let it all go. Thank you God. Of course, only time will tell for sure, but I am okay with that.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Anxiety returns...
Tonight I spoke to my sister on the phone, a call whose purpose was to go over the practical details of her babysitting duties for tomorrow, when she mentioned that they prayed for me in church today. For some reason when she said "they" I automatically understood that she meant the congregation, not just her and my BIL. "Huh?" I asked. I was very confused, we don't attend the same parish, I am not part of any Diocesan group at the moment, I couldn't figure out what she meant. Why would a parish 20 miles away from my own be praying for me? Who am I? She went on to explain that during the Prayer of the Faithful, in her quaint little country church, they allow members to voice their own prayers of petition. She said that she was quietly thinking to herself about me (she would never, ever ,dare to speak aloud) when another woman asked to pray for "all pregnant mothers". She thought it more than just a coincidence. I don't know what to think of it, except to try to take some comfort from it, and to add my own prayer along with it, an addendum, if you will. I would like to offer a prayer for all pregnant mothers who are at this moment, scared out of their minds, for peace in their hearts. Lord knows I need it, and I am pretty sure I am not alone.
Okay, so remember how I said so bravely and somewhat arrogantly that I am just not going to worry about this Down Syndrome thing? Well, I kind of lied. Actually, I didn't exactly lie, I really meant it when I said it. I guess "failed" is a more accurate term because, despite my efforts, here I am, sitting in my bed worrying. Tomorrow (Monday) I have an appointment for my level II sonogram which will shed a whole lot more light on the situation. I guess what I am afraid of is, what if I am just so arrogant, that I gave this particular blood test no credence whatsoever, because I am just so sure that God will give me yet another healthy baby - that I find out ...I am wrong, and there is something wrong with my child? What then?
When I play out the scenario in my head, I have the exam and they all pronounce that everything about my baby appears perfectly healthy. Visualization as an anxiety reduction technique. (of course, there's another scenario that is running on limited release, where they tell me that there are two babies in my belly, which is what has thrown off the bloodwork - of course that scenario ends with me in a straight jacket and therefore doesn't fall under the heading of "anxiety reduction") While it is working somewhat, I still can't shake the idea that something is wrong. Otherwise, why would that stupid test have come back with a positive result??
I can be so rational sometimes. I do research, and draw my own conclusions about everything. I really don't take anyone's word, without some sort of verification of my own. I am not wishy washy, I make decisions and stick to them, but I am also not afraid to admit when I am wrong. I made my decision about this, so why then, with no further data, am I being so wishy washy? It's fine! It's Not! It's fine! It's not! Argh. I am torturing myself.
Tomorrow, I will meet up with Hubby and we will spend the afternoon, or at least part of it, looking at black and white images of our newest little cherub as he/she dances away on a flat screen monitor. Hubby will hold my hand, and let me squeeze his as tight as I need to. I am sure there will be some tears, I just am not sure what for. I love this little baby, and I will, no matter what. I hope to return home with some peace tomorrow. So, if you're the praying type, say one for me, and my baby, please.
Okay, so remember how I said so bravely and somewhat arrogantly that I am just not going to worry about this Down Syndrome thing? Well, I kind of lied. Actually, I didn't exactly lie, I really meant it when I said it. I guess "failed" is a more accurate term because, despite my efforts, here I am, sitting in my bed worrying. Tomorrow (Monday) I have an appointment for my level II sonogram which will shed a whole lot more light on the situation. I guess what I am afraid of is, what if I am just so arrogant, that I gave this particular blood test no credence whatsoever, because I am just so sure that God will give me yet another healthy baby - that I find out ...I am wrong, and there is something wrong with my child? What then?
When I play out the scenario in my head, I have the exam and they all pronounce that everything about my baby appears perfectly healthy. Visualization as an anxiety reduction technique. (of course, there's another scenario that is running on limited release, where they tell me that there are two babies in my belly, which is what has thrown off the bloodwork - of course that scenario ends with me in a straight jacket and therefore doesn't fall under the heading of "anxiety reduction") While it is working somewhat, I still can't shake the idea that something is wrong. Otherwise, why would that stupid test have come back with a positive result??
I can be so rational sometimes. I do research, and draw my own conclusions about everything. I really don't take anyone's word, without some sort of verification of my own. I am not wishy washy, I make decisions and stick to them, but I am also not afraid to admit when I am wrong. I made my decision about this, so why then, with no further data, am I being so wishy washy? It's fine! It's Not! It's fine! It's not! Argh. I am torturing myself.
Tomorrow, I will meet up with Hubby and we will spend the afternoon, or at least part of it, looking at black and white images of our newest little cherub as he/she dances away on a flat screen monitor. Hubby will hold my hand, and let me squeeze his as tight as I need to. I am sure there will be some tears, I just am not sure what for. I love this little baby, and I will, no matter what. I hope to return home with some peace tomorrow. So, if you're the praying type, say one for me, and my baby, please.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Goodbye 2007, Hello 2008!
So, Happy New Year. Another holiday that fails to top my list of favorites, but one which is completely inescapable. We "celebrated" by having some friends over for "fancy pizza", Disney DVD bingo, S'mores making and eventually, the ruthless public beating of some kitchen paraphernalia . We had been invited to what I am sure was a totally fun party by Mom2Two, but I really dread going out on 12/31, and she lives a good hour away. Amazingly, we made it all the way to midnight. We had a contingency plan to fake the kids out by doing a countdown early, since they don't totally get the concept of either telling time, or New Year's Eve celebrations. However, they all played together nicely, for the most part, and so, we counted down to 2008 with Dick Clark (poor, poor, soul). Curly girl didn't quite make it to midnight, she was last seen at about 11:40, when Hubby brought her upstairs to get "jammied up", but she never made it back down. Just as well, she's got plenty of time to get crazy on New Year's Eves to come.
I myself was quite glad to see 2007 go. It was a hard year for me, at least the last half. I have been dealing with lots of emotions, and not a little bit of an identity crisis now that First Son has started Kindergarten. One of my best friends and my kids' best friend moved away, in a slow and painful manner. That experience was like taking a band aid off by pulling one hair at a time. I have this unplanned pregnancy to deal with, and I have been finding it difficult to muster up enthusiasm for much of anything lately. So, I am very much looking forward to a bright and happy 2008. I have decided to recognize that I do have some control over my emotions. As my dear Hubby pointed out, I don't need to be so negative, I can try to embrace the positive in life. (not that I plan on sweeping my negative emotions under any carpets, mind you, if something ticks me off you can bet you'll hear about it, or at least hubby will!) I am putting 2007 to rest, and embracing 2008 with a big fat phony smile. I am going to fake it, until I make it. I am going to do away with the things in my life that do not bring me joy, and I am going to try not to be so serious about myself. I am going to try to live by my heart and not be concerned about social circles, or any other nonsense that drains the joy from me. I am starting this new year with a new outlook. I really hope it works.
I myself was quite glad to see 2007 go. It was a hard year for me, at least the last half. I have been dealing with lots of emotions, and not a little bit of an identity crisis now that First Son has started Kindergarten. One of my best friends and my kids' best friend moved away, in a slow and painful manner. That experience was like taking a band aid off by pulling one hair at a time. I have this unplanned pregnancy to deal with, and I have been finding it difficult to muster up enthusiasm for much of anything lately. So, I am very much looking forward to a bright and happy 2008. I have decided to recognize that I do have some control over my emotions. As my dear Hubby pointed out, I don't need to be so negative, I can try to embrace the positive in life. (not that I plan on sweeping my negative emotions under any carpets, mind you, if something ticks me off you can bet you'll hear about it, or at least hubby will!) I am putting 2007 to rest, and embracing 2008 with a big fat phony smile. I am going to fake it, until I make it. I am going to do away with the things in my life that do not bring me joy, and I am going to try not to be so serious about myself. I am going to try to live by my heart and not be concerned about social circles, or any other nonsense that drains the joy from me. I am starting this new year with a new outlook. I really hope it works.
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