It must be nice

Yesterday I made an apple pie. I gave Dexter a haircut and a bath. I sat outside and chatted with a neighbor while I watched my kids ride bikes "in the street". I am trying to get on with my life. Yesterday was pretty good. I didn't even take a Xanax. I made some spaghetti for dinner (a team favorite), and then left my sister with the cherubs while I went to see my therapist. My therapist thinks I am doing great. I admit, some days are okay.

Some days are not so good. Some days I just can't shut my mind off. Some days I start thinking about him. I start thinking "It must be nice". You know, like:

It must be nice, to come home at the end of each day and not have to worry about taking care of anyone but yourself.

It must be nice to be able to go off to whatever appointments you have made for yourself, and not have to give a thought about who will be taking care of your four little children.

It must be nice to be able to decide what to have for dinner, and not have to worry about who is going to complain that they don't like it, who is going to throw it on the floor or wear it in their hair.

It must be nice to have several hours to yourself in the evening to do whatever you want, and not have to referee sibling squabbles, oversee a reluctant kindergartner's homework, or convince a toddler to stop climbing into his baby brother's crib and jumping on his head while he is trying to sleep.

It must be nice not to realize just minutes after the last cherub has finally fallen asleep that you are actually out of diapers, milk or bread.

It must be nice to be able to watch TV, or go to the movies, or the mall whenever you want.

It must be nice to be able to leave your children on the ONE night that they are your responsibility and go sit on a bar stool in the local pub - since you live in your mother's house and she can just watch the kids!
It must be nice.

I have already heard all about how nice it is to be able to go to the beach and spend a few hours surfing and not have to worry about anyone but yourself. SO NICE.


It must be nice to be able to take your kids to the park and feed the ducks and play kickball and then finish off the evening with a trip to the local pizzeria.
It must be nice to be the great hero, the fun parent.
It must be nice to not have to worry about keeping it all together, not have to worry about plastering a fake smile on your face and pretending everything is just fine.
It must be nice not to have to listen to your children crying themselves to sleep at night.

How though?

After I start thinking about how it "must be nice", I start thinking about how totally unbelievable that is. HOW can it be nice? How can you rather be anywhere else but here, with your kids, in your house? How can it be better? How can it be nice to be sitting in your mother's basement, sleeping in a bed that, while I am sure is nice - cannot possibly compare to the $3000 King Koil that we just bought? How can it be nice to sit on an old recliner watching a boob tube instead of sitting in your own living room watching the brand new flat screen that you spent two weeks shopping for? How can it be nice to not be with your children? How can you go even one day without hearing Dexter laugh, or Paddy sing or even Firstson and Curly fight? How? I cannot understand it.

If I am being completely honest, it was nice around here too, for a little while. It was nice not to have to share the remote, or to have to answer to anyone when I burned a pot on the stove because I always turn the burners on too high. It was nice to leave my popcorn bowl on the table and not have to worry about who I was annoying by leaving it there. It was even a little bit nice to have an evening to myself to have dinner with friends or go to the bookstore because it was his turn to put the kids to bed. The novelty is wearing off. It is wearing thin. I miss my husband. I miss my friend. I want my life back. I want my family healed.

Here's the thing. Neither of us is innocent. My husband left because he is hurt, has been hurt in the past and just can not stand to be hurt anymore. I am responsible for a lot of that hurt. Some of it I know, and take responsibility for, some of it I need to gain a better understanding of. I never set out to intentionally hurt anyone. I love my husband. I am not a perfect person. I can be a better wife. I have been hurt too. Really, really hurt.

Our life is overwhelming right now. We have four little kids. We had two babies back to back, on top of the two we already had. When I look back over this last year, I realize that it was impossibly hard. Most people I know would have cracked. I didn't. Or, maybe I did. Having these four children, while a blessing for sure, it hasn't always brought out my best. I acknowledge that. I own it. There are too many times when I have taken my husband for granted. Too little time spent focusing on what was happening in my home and marriage, and too much time spent out. PTA, catechesis, book club, family, friends. Did I make these things more important than my marriage? I didn't think so at the time. I am so not perfect. I have work to do, Lord.

Apparently my previous post upset my husband. It's funny, because as one friend who knows way more about the situation than I would ever publish here said, "Really? I thought you were being very polite". Anyway, I guess he didn't understand why I feel the need to tell the world what is happening, and isn't it a very one sided view? Well, Hubby, you do not need to understand why I choose to write. Writing is "my thing". You go to the beach, I go to the keyboard. Second, YES -it is a one sided view - it's a blog! Want one? They're free! At one point Hubby asked if I would like him to respond to my post with a list of his grievances as he had done a few weeks ago in an e-mail to a third party who was trying to help. Perhaps this would embarrass me? Well, surely I do not want to air all of my dirty laundry, but, yeah. Sure. Go ahead. Your feelings are real and they are valid. I do not dispute your unhappiness. I do not think that you should just come back and accept your life. I believe that you can make your life what you want it to be. I believe that we can do it together. I believe that we are so much better than this. Our family is worth so much more than this.

I want to be a better wife. I want to have a better husband. I want us to be a family. I want people to see us and think to themselves "Look at that family, Look at that couple. It must be nice."